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Firsthand Account From An Abused Man

July 28, 2009

There are many firsthand accounts from abused women, and the Equal Justice Foundation has published a number of them In Women's Own Words. However, generally men don't tell. Hence, it is quite rare that we receive a personal account from a man about his abuse at the hands of a woman and the legal system, and the impact such abuse has on him.

The following is published with permission of the author.

Man sends thank you after five-year abuse ordeal that left him in a fog

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Received July 23, 2009 — I wanted to send a thank you to each of the organizations that provided such valuable information on DV and resources for men to escape from a violent relationship partner.

Thank you!

As I write this letter it is almost five years to the day since I met my ex-girlfriend. I was not sure if I would survive the last year of our relationship or would end up in the penitentiary on another false charge. I reviewed all our emails and correspondence and found the date where she went from apologizing for her violent outbursts and begging for one more chance in the relationship, to transferring the blame to me and becoming the "victim."

I guess I was extremely lucky the first three times I called 911 to have the police come to our home to restore the peace when she was out of control or physically abusive. Of course the police found that no one was injured and no formal report was filed to document the incident. When I was released from jail this past March, after being arrested for domestic violence/ assault causing bodily injury, I began asking some serious questions starting with myself then friends and relatives. I found that for the past two years of the relationship she was claiming she was abused on a regular basis by me,. She would tell this to our mutual friends adding "please don't say anything to him, that would just make him angry."

In preparing for my defense I was informed that these days the police have onboard computers and make "field notes" on each call even if no report is filed. These are all public records and are most valuable at showing who actually made the call, how the call was dispatched, e.g., fight, argument, disturbance, and what statements may have been made by each party. She had told me on one occurrence after I called 911 for assistance that she told the police we just were having an argument about where we were planning to move. The field notes stated that she claimed I had choked her and pushed her down!

This last incident she punched me in the face several times while at the local bar and grill. Plenty of witnesses were around, including the owner of the establishment. She was obviously drunk after the five beers she had already had when I arrived. Embarrassed in public again, and a bit confused after the surprise attack, I left and went home. Two hours later (and more beers) she arrived at the double-bolted front door. I requested that she stay at her mothers, less than a mile away, she became enraged and beating on the door. I told her that I had had enough and if she did not leave I would have no other choice than to call the police. She stated that if I called the police she would lie to them saying I blacked her eye. At that point I was never going to open the door since there would be no witnesses to what really happened. She threatened to kick in the glass patio door and started to walk that way. With cell phone already in hand, I made my last 911 call in this lifetime.

She was gone when the police arrived at our home. Right away things did not feel right. I was asked questions, but quickly interrupted with a different question, never getting to complete a statement. One question that seems genuine was "what do you think made her mad?" I told them I did not know and that she "just went off on me and started swinging." She was interviewed back at the local bar and claimed that I beat her on a regular basis, about every four months. Meanwhile the officers at our home looked me over for scratches and abrasions verbally stating I had scratches down the left side of my nose. Pictures were taken of my arms and hands only. I was arrested in my living room [without a warrant]. She was given "victim pamphlets," officer and report number information, allowed to make a written statement of fact at the scene, and allowed to drive off intoxicated (with a prior DUI on her record).

The Probable Cause Affidavit that was sworn, notarized and delivered to the magistrate read the following and more: "he had a moderate smell of alcohol coming from him, his clothes were messy, he claims that all women are crazy."

The next 45 days while I was sweating the outcome of the charges filed against me; she threatened to ruin my credit, claim common-law marriage and take all of the furnishings, and refused to sign me off the lease.

Meanwhile due to ethics compliance in my industry I had to notify each of my clients of the arrest. I lost 80% of my business and $4,000 in legal fees.

I was finally able to find myself an apartment (criminal arrest record now showing up on background checks) and along with my best friend and four helpers, and three hours where I knew she would be gone, moved all of my stuff out once and for all. I left no forwarding address and have told no one where I now live. I heard she had a new boyfriend three days after I left.

She still text messages me and calls leaving voice mails until early hours of the morning asking if I "still think about us." Actually I do still think about us. I think of five years of excuses, apologies, promises to change, false accusations and allegations. I think of how much it cost me and what it could have ultimately cost me had I not asked a few hard questions of mutual friends.

I thank God for your organization and others that gave me some sort of road map to help navigate through the dense fog of the domestic violence industry and the abuse of those laws against innocent men.

J. S.

Dallas

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